Mood:  happy
starting back at my old job today, the joys of third shift!! things seem to be going in a positive direction for the most part which helps out ALOT!dont have alot to write about today ive been spending most of the preparing for a loooong night.

the day after
Mood:  down
Now Playing: random
well this was the first christmas that i new i had no hope of seeing my daughter for it was determined by dna testing that she wasnt mine. hurts real bad, imagine going two years prior thinking you have a beautiful daughter and you might get to spend the holidays with her. i dont know why ppl have to lie?this is where ALOT of my agression and distrust have come from. but now knowing the truth i have to move on. she will always have a place in my heart i guess just hope she can find out who her dad is. and the holiday wasnt a total bust i did hear from my parents granted it was coming down to the wire time wise the call still came :)! tommorrow i call about getting some counciling.im actually excited about that stepforward and this will be the first year i make a new years resolution but this is one that i have to stick with to maintain a level of happiness! its sad when i think back to how much wasted effort i put into drinking thinking that was fixing my problems when in all reality it was compiling and putting off the inevitable. i will getit figured out here in the next couple days i hope or atleast the right direction to go in.

what a holiday
Mood:  d'oh
Now Playing: the events of last nite in my head
Topic: the start of anew
well this is it. this is my new found outlet for me, im going to start it off with an apology to the person who has helped me to see alot of things in my life and is giving me the courage to change them, I'm Sorry and Thank you Kristi!! i think it will do me some good! ive spent all day thinkin how big of an ass i have become to ppl around me and its got me at a cross road. i guess its insanity doing the same thing over expecting different results. time to change things up and get out of life what i put into it so to speak. ive hurt the one i care about the most last nite. and its eating away at me, can it it be worked out i dont know, time will tell. shes a great person and im borderline losing her if i havent already. lets hope its not the latter! but i want change! i want all the thoughts of what ive been through over the last three years or so to subside and quit letting them control everything current, im hoping this will be a good outlet for me.
its been a rather shitty X-mas but i got through it, now just the b-day is coming up,actually kinda upbeat about that, my dog turned two this week(he's basically a child to me). starting back at my old job on monday too so i do have some good things going on and coming up to look forward to. so lets see if this doesnt work. im done for the night.